But With Another
by rainydaysuedes
Summary: Contains spoilers from episode 8x12. "He walks in, blindfolded, a gun pressed into his back. Voice trembling, pushed into a chair. He is everything she imagined." We saw the last scene of Zugzwang from Reid's point of view, but what was going through Maeve's mind? What was she thinking that she couldn't say?


**Author's Note:** All of the dialogue in this story is directly from Zugzwang, episode 8x12 of Criminal Minds. I claim to own neither it nor the characters, and (surprise!) I'm not making any money from this story. Shocking, I know.

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He walks in, blindfolded, a gun pressed into his back. Voice trembling, pushed into a chair. He is everything she imagined.

Tall, lanky, messy hair. But more than anything he is brave. He lacks a bullet-proof vest, carries no gun. He's risking his life for her. He's risking his future for her.

When they spoke on the phone she learned of his insecurities. His tendency to ramble about irrelevant topics, his Asperger's, his difficulties with the physical tests set forth by the Bureau. He always downplayed his genius, skimmed over the details of his job. When she asked about the lives he saved he answered truthfully, but she knew the idea of being a seen as a hero made him uncomfortable.

When Diane slips her hand down his shirt he tenses. Maeve knows how he doesn't like to be touched by most people, especially strangers. He's doing his best to hide his discomfort. He has a plan.

Clever lies. Calm, collected lies. His voice, the voice that had been one of her few sources of comfort for the last ten months, is smooth. She reminds herself that he negotiates like this all the time, that he is very good at his job. She hopes it'll be enough.

"Me for her, that was the deal, right?" She closes her eyes. She doesn't want this. She doesn't want her life paid for by his death. Life without him wouldn't be living at all.

Soon the blindfold is pulled away and she sees him. He always hinted at his embarrassment of his appearance but she can't remember looking at anyone more beautiful.

There's a resigned darkness in his eyes but his mouth hints at the faintest smile and all she wants is a hundred more years with him, really with him, holding his hand and telling him she loves him. Truly together. Present. In that moment she can see a wedding and toddling children and family reading nights. She can see everything she could have with him.

Even if his plan works, she won't get that. He won't get that. And tears slip down her face silently because she loves him more than she's ever loved anyone and it's not fair it's not fair it's not fair.

When Diane tells him to prove his change of heart, he sighs.

"I don't love you," he says, and she can hear the unshed tears in his voice. "Sorry."

She knows what he really means. She always knew.

"I understand," she tells him. Because she does.

He just looks at her, probably taking in every detail of her that he can, putting his eidetic memory to use for may very well be the last time.

But Diane seems to have different plans.

"I don't need her anymore," she sneers, and Maeve isn't sure whether or not she should be relieved that Spencer will get to live or worried that she herself will die.

Of course, he doesn't give up. He employs his power with words to bargain, yet again, for her life.

Then Diane is kissing him and kissing him and in spite of all his training, in spite of giving his best effort, there's no hiding his initial reaction to her mouth on his, relentless.

Maeve has to look away, not because she is jealous, but because she knows how sensitive he is to contact and doesn't want to see him hurt on her account.

"Liar," Diane says quietly, realizing, pulling away, then louder, "liar!"

He grabs for the gun and the trigger is pulled and he falls to the ground, clutching his bleeding arm. In the midst of the chaos Maeve releases her other arm and the FBI storms in but it's too late because Diane has grabbed her and is pressing the gun to her neck and Spencer is standing up and yelling for the agents to stay back stay back, his voice broken.

"Me for her," he begs. "Let me take her place."

Maeve wants to hold him and tell him she loves him and thank him for always putting her safety first. She has to believe that he already knows.

"You'd do that?" Diane asks, voice shrill.

"Yes," he says, his voice desperate and earnest.

"You would kill yourself for _her_?"

"_Yes_." He doesn't need to add: _because I love her._ But Maeve knows.

"Thomas Merton," she says, and she hopes those two words convey the many things she doesn't have the time to tell him. _I love you. Thank you for everything. Goodbye._

She can tell by his eyes that his memory is calling up the quote that she wrote inside The Narrative of John Smith: '_Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone— we find it with another._'

She realizes this is even truer than she originally thought. For the past several months she believed that eventually they would find the meaning of life together. But that was wrong. It didn't take years of dating or marriage or starting a family for the two of them to find the meaning of life. They'd already found it, somewhere between conversing about literature late at night or discussing recent scientific findings as soon as he got home from a case or sharing dorky math jokes on a sunny Sunday afternoon. What they had was pure and unconditional and it taught her so much than any Ph.D. program ever would.

"Who's Thomas Merton?!" Diane demands.

"He knows," Maeve says softly. "He knows."

Diane shakes her once, hard. "Who is he?!"

With her eyes set on Spencer Reid, certified genius, Star Trek enthusiast, trivia aficionado, literal life saver, Maeve chooses her last words. "He's the one thing you can never take from us."

He keeps his eyes on her, and she knows it'll hurt for a while, but in time he'll be okay. And maybe it's selfish, but she just hopes he'll never forget her, even on his wedding day, even when his children are born, even when he's at the best point in his life.

"No," Diane says, raising the gun, but Maeve's not afraid anymore. She thinks of her parents and her friends and the man she was lucky enough to love, if only for a little while. She thinks of everything she accomplished, and knows she's done more than many will in a complete lifetime.

"Wait!" Spencer yells, still fighting for her, still trying to save her even when it's obviously too late.

She's happy that his voice is the last thing she hears before the trigger is pulled and she is enveloped by darkness.


End file.
